Pastor Tiffany-Unplugged. Leading from Vulnerability

Would you allow me to be vulnerable with you today? To dig down deep and to be completely real?

I'm a relationships person. I thrive on relationships. I love knowing what makes people tick, what hurts them, what makes them smile, how to love them and encourage them, to listen and be there.

Ever since I was little, friendships came hard to find for me. I put so much into them (not to seek approval and try to win friends, but because it's how God wired me.. to have a genuine love for people) but I hardly ever seemed to have friends who would do the same for me.

I'm reminded of a time in 1st grade when I was playing with some "friends" and they wanted to play hide n seek and said I would be "it" and come to find them. So I counted... 5....4....3....2....1 Ready or Not, here I come! I went excitedly on my search to find them.. to play with my friends.. even though I was young, I was ready to pour into others.

Well, I found them. They were playing on the jungle gym. I ran up and said, "why aren't you guys hiding? I'm supposed to find you." And they said, "You're not our friend. We don't want to play with you anymore."

Kids are cruel right? Well it resonated with me.. something started to grow inside of me and now almost 30 years later, here I am and it's starting to surface.

As my childhood went on, I kept putting my heart out there on the line... hoping to find friends who needed me as much as I needed them. I was let down and people failed me.. numerous times.

I had given up on trying to be friends with girls come highschool because of how much I had been hurt. So I had a few good guy friends... life seemed so much easier because there wasn't any drama.. but still something was missing.

Then here came college.. a "fresh start." I had an awesome roommate. I loved her dearly. I would do anything for her. I hated seeing her hurt or sad so I decided that I would open myself back up to try finding that friendship I had always wanted.. always needed. About 2 years later, our friendship ended and that meant me moving out of our dorm into one of my own... alone.

How did this friendship end? Over Orange-Banana-Pineapple juice. I'm not kidding.

This juice was about $4 a 1/2 gallon but she loved it. And those of you who know me, know that I love loving on others.. appreciated them. Well, I happened to be at the store and saw that this juice was on sale! 2 for $5! WOW! So what did I do? I didn't have to think twice! I bought them!

I was so excited to get back to the dorm to show her what I had gotten her. This quickly led into tears and a screaming match back and forth. She thought that I had gotten the juice to try to bribe her into something ridiculous.

She was (and I imagine, is) a great person and I would have loved to be her life-long friend but apparently the enemy had a plan and God had the ultimate plan of knowing what's best.

So that was it. I got married to the most talented, handsome, humble keyboard player known to man kind :) Besides, it was time after being together for 7 years, right? :)

But that's when I decided I was done with friendships. Trying to find that one true friend.

What's surfacing now is my realization of my "need" for people. But what made it even easier to step into being a leader and pastor in ministry was that I was FINALLY needed. It wasn't a one way thing anymore. People needed me as much as I needed them.

So what's God stirring in my heart? I don't want people to "need" me. I just want them to love me.. to be there for me.. but not to depend on solely me.

And also, I can't "need" people the same way I have thought I needed to all my life.

I lead at such a high level that there's no possible way that I can have a personal relationship that's deep with each person that I lead... it's impossible. And that's a hard thing for me to have to deal with. Again, because I thrive on relationships.

But we're growing. Ministry is growing. There's people now serving that I don't know their names. And THAT'S OK.

What's awesome is that it's because of others that our ministry is growing.. other's dedication and leadership.

I can't personally invest into over 100 people. But oh how I want to. But I can't give my best to each of them. That's where I have to put my time and effort into a few and then let them pour into a few, who pour into a few, who then have people who are connected in small groups and are growing in God.

I can't do it all. I can't be all to all people. I can't meet everyone's expectations. I can't put such high unrealistic expectations on myself to try to be perfect.

No.

But what I can do is remember that God made me who I am. He put me where I am. He built me exactly perfect for His plan and He will continue to mold me and shape me on this journey. And I have to have a much higher need for him... approval by him... and love for him than I do for others.

God created me on purpose, for a purpose.

He made me have a love for people. He made me have a contagious personality. He made me with energy. I also have many things that I'm working on.. that I see as flaws.. but really they are growth opportunities for me to be stretched and to overcome and go onto the next great thing he has for me.

So why this blog? Why today?

Because I wanted to be real. Behind all of that energy and love for people and a personality that engages and invites people... is a lot of brokenness. A lot of things that God's working with me on. A God who's trying to break my need for approval.. my need for others to need me... my need to depend on others so highly.

Today, I surrender my brokenness.

My realization today, given from someone whom I so admire, is that God only uses broken people.

He's not looking for the greatest or the one that seems to have it all together. He uses those who are real.

As your pastor, I promise to be here for you. To pray for you. To encourage you and try to help you on this journey. Know that when it's needed, I will lead from positivity. I will lead from encouragement. I will lead from vision. And starting now, I will pursue a more open, "real-ness" with you.. to lead from vulnerability.

I love you all. We're in this together.